Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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