He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Randomize
