I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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