if i can run in heels then i can drive
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize