Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Did I show you my penis last night?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
