So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Randomize
