i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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