if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
