So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
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