thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize