I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
