Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
She bit a glass in half.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize