Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
