Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
