Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
he wants to bone in the snuggie
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
