i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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