I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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