i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
