she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize