perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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