i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
