I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
