dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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