ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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