I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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