Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
