$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
