He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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