Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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