so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
