I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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