your parents love me but you hate me
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
