Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
