Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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