that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
what day is it and did you see me today?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
