I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
