i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
