Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize