it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize