I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
