it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Everything about him screamed your future.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
