it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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