Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
