Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
