So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
we made out on top of his cat.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Randomize