I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
