I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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