You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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