It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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