Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
