Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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