anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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