hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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