I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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