matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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