The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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