You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
