just tell him i said nine months
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
