I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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