I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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