how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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